Not to jinx myself (and let me remind you of some of the terrible luck I had in 2025: on the morning I had a telehealth appointment where it was decided that I would be starting what would turn out to be 16+ weeks of daily IV antibiotics - one of which would give me blood clots in both of my arms and send me to the ER where I then contracted COVID, I walked out to my car in Albany to drive to my first dose to find that someone had smashed the window to my car), but the tides have shifted.
Michelle, as always your words are so thoughtful, powerful, and expressive. Whenever I see an email from your Substack come in I can't help but read it right away. Your journey has been so full and changing and amazing and painful all at once, and the clarity that you expressed on how you view "things" and how others view "you" is very...I can't think of the word, so I'll just say "important." Humans are so complicated and most of the time what we all feel and say to others doesn't come out right. No one should feel guilty for not doing what society says is normal (working a 9-5 job, being a woman and thus taking care of others before ourselves, etc.) but we do because we're human. Everyone who cares says things that they think are helpful or empathetic, even though when you hear it you're probably thinking of all the things they're not seeing. It's hard to remember that people say those things b/c they (we) don't know what else to say but want to say SOMETHING that is kind, supportive, and hopefully positive. YOU in particular always look good when you are out in public b/c you have what I refer to as "resting smiling face" - you're always smiling. ALWAYS! I think people who know your story are just happy to see you out again. (And yes, you have and always will look "healthy" regardless of how you're actually feeling...)
I often refer to myself as a "mere mortal" around elite athletes...as you said, your "out of shape" or "not feeling well" and even your running mileage is still better that [insert large percentage here] of the world (not even America, the world.) It's hard for us mere mortals to understand and accept that. I experience it at home with Shaun. I have ALWAYS been jealous of you. Even though I admit I don't have half of the motivation that you do to succeed, I also know I don't have half of the natural talent you do. Jealousy is a human emotion that is never going away. I bet everyone reading this post is jealous of you. Not jealous of your horrible experiences, of course, but even through all that - jealous of how you handle them. The fact that you can survive without that 9-5 job, that you are so determined to kick the diseases in your body that you are willing to spend thousands of hours and dollars on treatments. Most of us would just accept defeat and give up. We would switch sports (basket weaving, anyone?) and remember the good old days. But not you. Whether you succeed at getting back up to the top of the elite runner status, I hope you can be proud of yourself and what you have accomplished - even if it was only to become so good that you had the opportunity to compete on the worlds stage...even if it was only a year (I don't think that is the case - I think you will find yourself there again, I've always believed it.) But it won't be easy. And people will always judge. I mean hell, I have often said to myself that if I didn't have kids or have to work (even part time) I could be out there running more and chase more of my dreams like you are doing! But the thing is - that was MY choice. You made your choice. Let people like me be jealous of the fact that you don't have kids at home eating up all your free time. It was our choice (and honestly not having kids is also not always a choice, we all know that sometimes it's a devastating impossibility.) Let us say in our heads (hopefully not out loud) that it must be nice that you can take 3 hour walks in the middle of the day or fly to Arizona to run in the dry warm air for a week. It was our choice to take a job that doesn't allow for that. We all make choices. Sometimes they backfire and we can't make it work. You made it work. Don't be ashamed of that. You work harder than most of us - even if you don't have a "regular" paycheck to show for it. It takes money to live, and more money to do the cool things we want to do, but we can't take it with us when we die - and we never know how long we get. As we get older it's important to realize just what's important to us while we're here on earth. Make the best of it, and don't let anyone make you feel less for what you want to do, what you love to do, and what you were born to do. And keep the people close who support you and make sure you are your best self (hi, Josh!)
Longest. Comment. Ever. (I shall get off my soap box now, LOL)
Keep it up, girl. I can't wait to see what's next for you (so I can be jealous of that too ;-))
Thank you for writing and sharing this uphill journey to be understood.
As you mentioned, most people that have not been affected by similar issues, will not be able to understand or even believe what you have been and still are going through. There is not much publicity about the devastating outcomes of tick borne illnesses and how they can affect the quality of every day life.
I hope that, what you have endured and learned in the last couple of years will provide you with wisdom and guidance to move forward, one step at a time.
I had carved out an hour for early morning reading from the syllabus of a writing workshop.
On my way there, I landed at your gorgeous, searing essay. It's now one I'll carry with me, among the most powerful pieces of writing I know. The line I will hold onto mostly closely: "I did it with the choice of moving through difficult and uncomfortable times to chase bigger dreams, because the level at which I would have to break in order to not do so is somehow beyond the level of broken I was." I'm so glad your tides have shifted. If this essay marks a turning point, it feels incredibly auspicious.
Michelle, as always your words are so thoughtful, powerful, and expressive. Whenever I see an email from your Substack come in I can't help but read it right away. Your journey has been so full and changing and amazing and painful all at once, and the clarity that you expressed on how you view "things" and how others view "you" is very...I can't think of the word, so I'll just say "important." Humans are so complicated and most of the time what we all feel and say to others doesn't come out right. No one should feel guilty for not doing what society says is normal (working a 9-5 job, being a woman and thus taking care of others before ourselves, etc.) but we do because we're human. Everyone who cares says things that they think are helpful or empathetic, even though when you hear it you're probably thinking of all the things they're not seeing. It's hard to remember that people say those things b/c they (we) don't know what else to say but want to say SOMETHING that is kind, supportive, and hopefully positive. YOU in particular always look good when you are out in public b/c you have what I refer to as "resting smiling face" - you're always smiling. ALWAYS! I think people who know your story are just happy to see you out again. (And yes, you have and always will look "healthy" regardless of how you're actually feeling...)
I often refer to myself as a "mere mortal" around elite athletes...as you said, your "out of shape" or "not feeling well" and even your running mileage is still better that [insert large percentage here] of the world (not even America, the world.) It's hard for us mere mortals to understand and accept that. I experience it at home with Shaun. I have ALWAYS been jealous of you. Even though I admit I don't have half of the motivation that you do to succeed, I also know I don't have half of the natural talent you do. Jealousy is a human emotion that is never going away. I bet everyone reading this post is jealous of you. Not jealous of your horrible experiences, of course, but even through all that - jealous of how you handle them. The fact that you can survive without that 9-5 job, that you are so determined to kick the diseases in your body that you are willing to spend thousands of hours and dollars on treatments. Most of us would just accept defeat and give up. We would switch sports (basket weaving, anyone?) and remember the good old days. But not you. Whether you succeed at getting back up to the top of the elite runner status, I hope you can be proud of yourself and what you have accomplished - even if it was only to become so good that you had the opportunity to compete on the worlds stage...even if it was only a year (I don't think that is the case - I think you will find yourself there again, I've always believed it.) But it won't be easy. And people will always judge. I mean hell, I have often said to myself that if I didn't have kids or have to work (even part time) I could be out there running more and chase more of my dreams like you are doing! But the thing is - that was MY choice. You made your choice. Let people like me be jealous of the fact that you don't have kids at home eating up all your free time. It was our choice (and honestly not having kids is also not always a choice, we all know that sometimes it's a devastating impossibility.) Let us say in our heads (hopefully not out loud) that it must be nice that you can take 3 hour walks in the middle of the day or fly to Arizona to run in the dry warm air for a week. It was our choice to take a job that doesn't allow for that. We all make choices. Sometimes they backfire and we can't make it work. You made it work. Don't be ashamed of that. You work harder than most of us - even if you don't have a "regular" paycheck to show for it. It takes money to live, and more money to do the cool things we want to do, but we can't take it with us when we die - and we never know how long we get. As we get older it's important to realize just what's important to us while we're here on earth. Make the best of it, and don't let anyone make you feel less for what you want to do, what you love to do, and what you were born to do. And keep the people close who support you and make sure you are your best self (hi, Josh!)
Longest. Comment. Ever. (I shall get off my soap box now, LOL)
Keep it up, girl. I can't wait to see what's next for you (so I can be jealous of that too ;-))
Thank you for such a thoughtful reply (as always!!). I appreciate you and everything you have to say and share. Always here for the long comments! ❤️
Thank you for writing and sharing this uphill journey to be understood.
As you mentioned, most people that have not been affected by similar issues, will not be able to understand or even believe what you have been and still are going through. There is not much publicity about the devastating outcomes of tick borne illnesses and how they can affect the quality of every day life.
I hope that, what you have endured and learned in the last couple of years will provide you with wisdom and guidance to move forward, one step at a time.
I love you and only want what is best for you.
Anna, you must be so proud of the beautiful daughter you raised! Good job, mama!
Thanks, Mom. You and Dad are always the top supporters. 💕
Looking forward to the continued comeback story (in whatever shape that takes) and maybe, dare I say, a sport change someday 😉
Hah! Thanks, Jamie! Gosh, I realize this essay might make it look like I know how to handle myself on skis (I do not!!).
Always in your corner! 🩷
Yes to all of this.
Michelle,
I had carved out an hour for early morning reading from the syllabus of a writing workshop.
On my way there, I landed at your gorgeous, searing essay. It's now one I'll carry with me, among the most powerful pieces of writing I know. The line I will hold onto mostly closely: "I did it with the choice of moving through difficult and uncomfortable times to chase bigger dreams, because the level at which I would have to break in order to not do so is somehow beyond the level of broken I was." I'm so glad your tides have shifted. If this essay marks a turning point, it feels incredibly auspicious.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and share how it resonated with you. I appreciate you!